Understanding
by emuroo
Summary: About Kirk's relationship with his mother, and what happened to her, and how Spock helped. Character death. Oneshot. Complete.


Understanding

Disclaimer: None of this is mine.

Warnings: Character death. Not really major, but not minor either.

Kirk does not have much contact with his mother. After everything that she'd done, and heck, he was old enough now to admit that half of it had been his fault, but after everything, they are not close. Kirk still loves her, in that way that you never stop loving your mother, and sometimes he calls on Christmas, or she will call him on his birthday, but mostly, they do not talk.

Even when they do, they do not know what to say. Not anymore. Sometimes Jim wonders whether they ever really did, beyond his schoolwork or the latest scrape that he had gotten into.

Whether they ever did or not, they certainly do not talk much now. Sometimes he regrets it, but not enough to really re-open communications. There are still scars of a childhood spent in frustration, not knowing what he had done wrong, why his mom did not look at him, not realizing that it was not his fault, that circumstances beyond his control, on the day of his birth, had made everything harder.

So they do not communicate. Jim knows that his mom is still in Starfleet in an abstract sort of way, and he uses her work addresses when he contacts her. But those addresses are all electronic; they do not change with her postings. He does not want to know where she is posted, although he supposes that he could find out if he wanted to. He could probably hack into her files, he thinks. He does not realize that he could simply ask her.

So he does not know where she is, and he likes it that way. He thinks that she must agree, because there is no way that they would not tell her where her son is, really no way for her to not know, after all, there is only one Starfleet Academy on Earth.

* * *

When James Kirk sees Spock appear on the transport pad, sees him reach out, remembers his statement that his parents would be on the planet, he knows. He knows, deep in his gut that he and Spock now share this, having lost a parent to this insanity, to this storm, for all that his father died so many years ago, without ever knowing him.

It hurts, because even though he does not like this stuffy Vulcan, even though the man seems to be as foreign as it is possible to be while still having even an ounce of human blood, he hates the look on the other man's face. The look of loss and sorrow. Spock looks like he does not know what happened, but Kirk knows better.

This man is famous, and he is very smart. Moreover, he must not be as emotionless as he is reputed to be, because Kirk knows that if he were, if he were truly ruled by the logic that Vulcans love so dearly, then he would not stop even for the moment that he does, that he would move on, knowing that he cannot save his mother, and that he has other duties.

In that moment he has never felt more akin to anyone, although he knows that considering the destruction they found on their arrival many others must also have lost parents.

In the time that follows he forgets this kinship, knowing only that Spock is taking them away from revenge. He does not think about what this must cost Spock. But in that moment he understands, he sympathizes, he feels a connection.

* * *

Kirk is not in contact with his mother, and he has never really understood her. He does not know that he inspired her. He does not know that when she found out that he had enlisted she cried for an hour, and he does not know that when she finished she sat down at her private computer console and submitted a form to go back to work near the academy.

She has not worked in space, or even away from home since Jim was small. Not since the summer when Jim went crazy and Sam ran away. She will always feel guilty, feel that it was her absence that caused them to do those things. Even though they both left home years ago, she had made peace with the idea that she would not leave Iowa again.

For a few moments she considered going back out into space, applying for a mission, but she could not quite bring herself to do that. But if her son was brave enough to join after everything, the least that she could do was join one of the earth monitoring stations. They are all based out of Starfleet headquarters in San Francisco, at the academy, but she knows him better than he thinks, and knows that he would not appreciate a visit, not really.

But she starts working for Starfleet in space again, or at least in the sky, for the stations are not truly considered to be in space, rather than on earth, something that she has not done in years. She knows that Jim did not want to follow his father, that some part of him had always been afraid of being that same person. He did not want to follow his father's path to an early death. If he could face his fears, so could she.

He does not know that she is back in the sky. He does not ask, she does not tell him.

* * *

Kirk does not realize, even after that feeling of kinship, that glimpse of Spock's feelings, just how deeply he was hurt. He does not realize until he is in the middle of a mind meld with another Spock, one claiming to be from the future. He understands why the old Spock insisted that this was the only thing that he could do under the circumstances, but he is not sure that he can forgive him.

Because that was not emotional transference. That word implies that the emotions old Spock had felt at his planets destruction had passed on to Kirk. But it was not only that. Apparently the old man had been able to see at least parts of his mind. Particularly the things that he had been thinking about at the time.

Until the meld, old Spock had not known that his mother had been on Vulcan. During the meld he sees the look on the face of his younger counterpart, and Kirk can feel a shudder pass through his soul as Spock realizes what happened. For all that Spock's grief had been great before, there was nothing that could compare to the deep, soul killing sorrow brought on by news of his mother's death.

It is that emotion that leaves Kirk gasping, and the knowledge of how that had felt that allows him to believe that he might have a chance of making Spock show that he was compromised.

He knows that feeling of loss. He felt it when he understood for the first time that he would never have a real father like the other kids, and he felt it again, in a different way when Sam left.

* * *

Kirk does not know where his mother is working, but eventually he realizes that she is no longer in Iowa working for the Starfleet post there. He is a little more than a year into his time at Starfleet, and she mentions a research project she is working on that he knows could only be done from above.

He is surprised, but thinks that it is awesome that his mom is also involved. She is shocked by the change that has come over him, shocked to see that he really has dedicated himself to Starfleet, that he actually believes in its mission, and seems to be doing this for more than just the satisfaction of proving himself in the face of Pike's dare.

But they do not go into detail. So it does not occur to him that she might have gone out on a ship.

* * *

As Kirk stands on the bridge, saying things to Spock with the intent to make him show emotion, with the intent to hurt him, he hates himself just a little bit. When Spock attacks him, Jim cannot find it in him to be angry. Because for all that he was angry about what Spock said to him at the hearing, for all that he knows that he is right, he cannot convince himself that what he said was right. It may have been necessary, but not right.

So Jim is relieved when Spock reappears. He hopes that Spock knows why Jim did what he did, and that he can see the necessity. He promises himself that he will apologize later, when he can do it somewhere where it will not just make things worse for Spock, not simply remind him of something that none of them can afford to have distracting him.

Jim hates himself a little bit for feeling like that is something that he has to consider. He hates the fact that he had to say those things and he hates that he cannot fix it right away. Now he understands what his ethics teacher meant when she said that there would be decisions that he would have to make that would make him hate himself. He laughs at the naïve boy (and who thought he would ever call himself that again) who thought that he would find a way to make it work properly.

The worst part of it, the part that makes him feel most guilty, is the fact that he used the knowledge that old man gave him to hurt his younger self. It feels like it is cheating, taking advantage of information that he should never abuse.

* * *

When Captain (well, for the moment, anyway) James Kirk gets back, he is hailed as a hero. He does not feel like a hero. He feels relief that he managed to stop Nero, but he just did what he had to, and hurt people along the way. He is not a hero. He was just lucky.

The first thing that he does, as soon as he can get out of the official meetings that he is immediately subjected to, and the press interview that the higher-ups insist he must give, is find Spock. He is with the other Vulcans, the ones that they rescued and the few who were on Earth. The elders are talking, and Kirk assumes that they are discussing what they will do now, how they will rebuild. He ignores them, and focuses on his goal.

He does not spend a lot of time talking to Spock, simply saying hello, and then apologizing. He does not say what he is apologizing for, just that he is sorry. He is not sure that Spock gets that he is not apologizing for his words and not for Spock's mother's death, but he thinks that it does not really matter. He is pretty sure that Spock got the general message. So he gets out of Spock's way.

* * *

After everything is over Jim goes back to his dorm room. He does not know where else to go. He plans to sleep, because really, he has been awake for too many hours, to the point that he really is not quite sure what the number is, and he is exhausted. There is a part of him that feels guilty, feels like he should not be sleeping after everything. There is a part that feels empty, a part that has been running on too much adrenaline for too many hours to easily drop into sleep.

Because of these thoughts, and the memories of the past few days that are whirling through his mind, he is sure at first that he will not be able to sleep. In spite of this, it is not long before he has drifted off. His last thought is that his mother will be proud that he lived up to his father's memory, and that maybe she will even be glad, in some small way, that Jim's living through that was what let him realize what was happening.

* * *

It is only a few hours later when he is woken. He is astonished to see Spock sitting on the end of his bed. He had no idea what was going on.

Then Spock looks at him with eyes that terrify Kirk, and remind him that he now knows that this man feels at least as deeply as he himself does, for all that he rarely shows it.

By the time Spock finishes Kirk does not know what to do. He wants to scream, wants to beat at something for the sheer unfairness of it. Spock explains that he had attempted to contact Kirk's mother, for reasons that he does not clearly explain, and which Kirk finds he really does not care about, and that he had found out that her station he been sent to Vulcan.

She had been one of the adult officers on the Farragut, sent out in the emergency. As such, she had been one of the ones killed. Death notices had not yet been sent out, but Spock is currently on the list of people who Starfleet will do just about anything to please, to keep, and so when he asked for information he got it.

Spock is not a comforting person, but he looks at Kirk with an empathy that some small part of Kirk's mind appreciates even as his mind roars. There is a part of him that protests, saying that he did not even like her that much, that they never spoke, that he should not care. But he does. And he feels alone, lost.

Orphaned. The word hits his consciousness like a punch to the gut, and though he does not know what he does, something in his body language must give away his feelings, for Spock steps towards him hesitantly, placing a hand on his shoulder.

It is a simple gesture, different from the one that a human might offer, but Jim knows what a breach of boundaries this is for Spock, and he is grateful. He is more grateful for the fact that Spock does not mention the tears that Jim cannot seem to stop.

The two men stand there for some length of time that Jim cannot guess at, although he suspects that Spock knows to the second. He does not ask. He is merely grateful.

* * *

It is not until a few days after Spock has shows up on the bridge of the Enterprise, now Kirk's own ship, that he asks the question that now seems obvious.

"Why?" He and Spock are alone, having just concluded a meeting concerning their first mission, and Spock was about to leave until Jim spoke.

"What do you wish to know the why to, Captain?" Spock's voice is not puzzled or nervous, because Spock does not really do puzzled or nervous because they are both emotions, which he does not show, no really, he does not. Kirk, however, infers those ideas from something.

"Why did you tell me? Why did tell me about my-" even now, weeks later, the words are hard to say, "my mom's death." He clenches his teeth. "You did not have to. No one in the world would have blamed you for not telling me even if you did find out by accident. You had, and kind of still have, every right to hate me." He does not look at Spock as he speaks. He cannot.

Spock looks at him, with a look he is getting to know very well. It is a look that says, 'I know that you are not stupid, and therefore I do not expect things that are as obvious as this to confuse you.' Somehow it says all of this without seeming to be markedly different from Spock's normal expression. Kirk is pretty sure that if he could figure out how Spock communicates so much with his face without moving it he would deserve a medal. If he replicated it he might get an acting award.

"I knew how you would feel. I found that it was difficult learning of my mother's death in a public setting, and as you will recall, you had little privacy after your return to earth. I wanted you to be aware that I was not angry. And I-" here Spock pauses, and Jim thinks that he is hesitating, although he is not sure, as it does not seem like the sort of thing that Spock would do. "I did not know how else to apologize for my remarks about your father during your hearing. At the time I did not understand. I do now."

Jim looks at him in surprise, feeling once again the gratitude that he felt when Spock had put his hand on Jim's shoulder. "Thank you."

They stand in silence for a moment before returning to bustle of the ship and their daily jobs.


End file.
